Can you have a favourite?

In short no, well yes, okay maybe.

When your first child comes along you have all the time in the world to focus your attention on them, moulding them into a model citizen and laughing at everything they do. Very quickly they embed themselves into you and everything that you do and before you know it you have the favourite bond, until…….

Hello number 2!

Crap! you now have to learn to share your emotions with another bundle of fun.  Now this is surprisingly easy because as sure as eggs are eggs, number 1 will start to display “petite shite” behaviour mainly caused by anxiety, jealousy, anger and all the kind of emotions that you get when you realise you have to share your parents.  Due to this exhibited behaviour it is entirely reasonable for you to think “meh, i’m not so keen on you anymore” and start to move your attentions onto number 2 “ooh look he smiled” “ohh look at those eyes” etc etc.

But then the game changes again, number 1 cottons onto the fact that their behaviour isn’t doing them any favours so will revert to a full on charm offensive.  Be prepared as this is the sign of a cold hard calculated manipulative human, it lives in all of us but manifests itself better in children.  Number 1 will all of a sudden become the cuddliest, cutest thing you have ever seen.  They will learn new tricks, they will creep and they will put their shoes on with no hassle at all, before you know it they are back in the number 1 spot.

Then number 2 steps up their game and starts to learn all the tricks and the art of manipulation, you really are up against it now.  You show a lot of attention to number 2 so number 1 looks at you with sad eyes being slowly filled with tears, guilt overcomes you so you then shower them with your attention.  You look over your shoulder and number 2 is stood there, so young and vulnerable with their bottom lip out calling your name ever so faintly. Then number 3 appears….shit, what do I do here?!  The answer is easy….

Pick one.  Be a man and nail your colours to the mast of the child who is number 1.

Now this isn’t as easy as it thinks, you have to think ahead of the game here and consider various factors:

  1. Which one is the most compassionate? You will need their help when your old and need your arse wiping.
  2. Which one is the brightest? Generally the brightest go the furthest: “whats that son? do I want to move into your big home in Houston whilst you go off and become an astronaut? okay then!”
  3. Which one is the funniest? You do not want your favourite to be the grey boring man that sits in an office all day and looks to be suspiciously tweaking himself every time the new girl appears. The funniest will never do that.
  4. Which one is most likely to be the party animal? This will be important when you buy that red sports car and start hanging out with the swingers from the local golf club all in the name of reliving your youth.  It will be easier with your cool party animal of an adult child to hangout with.
  5. Which one is the arse? Avoid them, nobody wants to spend time with that person and they always turn out to be closely associated to the grey man in number 3.

So to summarise, Can you have a favourite child?

NO, you shouldn’t even consider it you heartless bastard! Don’t you have enough love to go around?? Disgraceful!

The end

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