Baby Spam

Everybody loves their kids (well mostly everyone) and everyone likes to take photo’s and discuss about how great their kids are.  Before social media, the photo’s remained in an album hidden inside the sideboard, they occasionally came out when someone wanted to remind themselves of the past, someone died or it was someones birthday and the parents wanted an embarrassing photo to put in the birthday announcement column in the local paper.

If someone came up to you 20 years ago and waved a photo of their kid on the potty in your face and screamed “FIRST WEE!” your reaction would have been of surprise, disgust and more than likely a little bit of psychopathic violence, they would have been the hot topic of conversation on phone box corner.  Now this blog isn’t a rant against Facebook or Instagram (i need those sites for this blog, I’m not daft!) it’s a view on the users of these websites who coincidentally fall into similar categories as my previous playground politics blog:

  1. The Joules Group

We have touched on this strange group previously (playground politics, if you haven’t read it why the hell not?!) who like to remind you that they can afford to wear Joules, not just a top oh no, everything has to be Joules.  This lot also give their kids wanky names in an effort to be individual not realising that their poor child has to live with being called something like Apple Pip Sunshine Buddy and how difficult it is to get that on a Mcdonalds name badge.

This group all have the same thought when they are pregnant and once they have given birth “OMG, I AM THE FIRST PERSON EVER TO HAVE A CHILD. EVERYONE LOOK AT ME AND FAWN OVER ME LIKE A MEDICAL MIRACLE”.  This then gets followed up with such status updates as “MY CHILD JUST SMILED/ATE/BREATHED/BLINKED/POO’D/PUKED AND THEY ARE THE FIRST PERSON TO EVER DO THIS IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF MANKIND”.

Now I have de-friended many a person on Facebook because of things like this and would encourage you to do the same.  I know it may appear harsh but do you really want to be friends with someone who is so deluded and wrapped up in their little world that they genuinely believe that their kid is doing everything for the first time in humanity.  Well done parent, Baby fish cakes cucumber mountain top has managed to eat a piece of bread without getting the crumbs down their ridiculously expensive £40 john lewis baby grow (more on that subject another time) and completed a task that literally billions of people have managed before.

2. The inappropriate parent

This group are all about pushing the boundaries of decency and humour by putting their kids into stage adult scenarios such as “look at little Tyrone trying to light that roll up he made” or ” I gaffer taped baby Chanelle to a wall, huh huh huh”.  These parents are one step away from a social services intervention and are identifiable in every day life by the 15 year old heavily lowered BMW 320i with a F1 style wing on the back, blacked out windows with air bubbles visible, a Fido Dido sticker and a label in the back window saying “I wish my wife was this dirty”.  Rarely is their baby spam humorous although it will often leave you with a moral dilemma of “should I report them to the fuzz or not?”.

3. The i’m going to pretend my updates are about my children but really they are about me.

This group are by definition extremely materialistic  and ten to be a mixture of both group 1 and 2.  Very easy to identify as their will literally be a thousand and one selfies of them and their child with the child being at the back and the parents heavily made up face being position front and centre.  Status updates regularly include “Just caught (insert pretentious name here) putting on my £300 lipstick, looks like another trip to (insert name of a pretentious spa or beauticians here) is required” or “going out for a family drive in my new Audi Q8 which cost £30,000 and was delivered by a blind venetian monk just for me”.

If you have any of these friends on your social media I would respectfully suggest that you deal with them through the medium of sarcastic, humorous and occasionally bitter comments on their photos and updates.  If you don’t then you have to be prepared to be a virtual visitor into every minor event that happens including the obligatory first holiday to  Spain.

The end.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *