"Dad I need a poo" and other statements and questions that will strike fear in your heart.

My two boys are constantly asking questions and making statements, this is great as it shows that they are open minded, inquisitive and aware of the world around them. Now that sounds like a pretty good thing to be and i really encourage questions and freedom of speech……to a point.

Before I had kids the scariest thing someone could say to me was “It’s your round” or “Dave, your cock’s out again”, either one of those would make me instantly pay attention and would ensure that I remedied the situation pretty damn quick.  Since kids those words do not even cause a minor raise in my resting heart beat, oh no the words that scare me the most are as follows and always come out in a public space:


“Yes, what is it? Why are you dancing?”

“I need a Poo”

“You are joking? you will have to hold it”

“I can’t, its head is starting to poke out”

Now every parent has or will experience this conversation numerous times throughout their offsprings life and I can assure you that nothing ever prepares you for the fear and anxiety that spreads across your body followed by the blind panic as you try to scout out the nearest useable toilet which can be a task in itself.  Everything else in your world stops and it is like this one sentence is holding the key to discovering time travel.  Everything runs through your head “Where are the toilets?”, “Are they clean?”, “Is there a queue?” etc etc, never mind the logistics of what to do with your other 2 children or your shopping trolley full of shopping.  Before you know it you have got them to the closest cubicle you can find where you then spend 5 mins begging them not to touch any of the surrounding cubicle or toilet for fear of catching some medieval disease.

My eldest son who is 6 also has a habit of asking some very awkward questions in some very public places, all of them completely innocent but still leaving me with the thought of gagging him in public.  Questions and statements so far include:

1. “Why does that lady have a beard?” 

The lady in question was stood next to us in a lift at the time, cue awkward smile and mumblings about some people not helping it or that she had ran out of blades.

2. “look at the ladies boobies over there, are they supposed to be out?”

The lady in question was rather busty and had emphasised this all the more with a tight top.  Cue awkward smile and mumblings about not criticising peoples dress sense whilst taking a sneaky peek.

3. “If that man is homeless & hungry why has he got a dog for a pet and not eaten it”

Man with a hungry and homeless sign with a pet dog.  Cue a nod of the head followed by “we don’t eat dogs in this country son” which triggered the response:

4. “Well why doesn’t he get a pet sheep or better still a cow? That would last him a year”.

5. “Why are those two men holding hands? Are they brothers?”

Two gay men walking through the local craft market.  I had to stop for a minute on this one as my son is far to young for the Sex Ed talk and I didn’t want to get into the whole logistics of same sex couples on the green of the local cathedral.  This got a bit awkward due to the two men staring at me both thinking “how are you going to deal with this one then mate?”.  Now I am a huge advocate of same sex relationships and marriage so I went for the full charm offensive…Cue me ruffling his hair and informing him that anyone can love anyone, it’s a free world! Cue nodding looks of approval from the two man…Aced it.

6. “That man is the fattest man I have ever seen, he really shouldn’t be eating that”

Pretty self explanatory situation this one and it was prompted by his healthy eating lessons at school and more importantly the encouragement to challenge others if you think that what they are eating is bad for them.  Cue me smiling politely whilst reminding him that other peoples health is there own business but secretly being jealous and wanting to ask that question out loud myself.

And lastly, one that happened just the other day.

7. “Mum, you look skinny in clothes but fat out of them”

Cue a conversation about how to play the game when it comes to a woman’s weight.


The end












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