Daddy, what are you doing to mummy?

So second blog in and I am quite literally going balls deep with this one.  There are two major fears in any parents life and they are:

  • Death
  • Your child catching you rutting

Now I have had a near death experience and I can tell you that it is far more preferable than seeing your child stood at the bedroom door watching you perform animalistic actions on your other half.

Lets get this straight, you have to have adult time with your partner as it is one of the main factors that every relationship and human beings need.  When you have kids, goosing your other half takes strategy, planning, the ability to keep the noise down and alcohol to keep you awake.  Sadly shutting the door will not prevent this happening.  When your kids are small and in a cot, this isn’t an issue as unless they are in cahoots with a poltergeist they are not getting out of baby jail. However when they get older, this truly is a game changer so how do you come up with solutions to solve your problem

1. Put in the ground work.

Over the course of a few years you have to perform play fights in front of your kids. Let your other half whip you with a towel in the kitchen or slap you around the head a bit, just a bit of casual messing around so the kids know that you both have these playful rumbles which will then give you a very quick excuse when they appear at your door and ask you the question:

Q: Daddy, what are you doing to mummy?

A: Play fighting son, we were just messing about like we do downstairs.  We are sorry for waking you.

      2.  Massages

A bit like the first solution you have to put the groundwork in on this one.  I suffer from tight shoulders so I regularly ask my wife to massage them which my kids see, I also in turn will massage her’s which again the kids see.

Q: Daddy, what are you doing to mummy?

A: Giving her a massage, she has sore shoulders.  We are sorry for waking you.

     3.  Use their own toys as a warning system.

This one is straight forward, simply layout some teddies on the landing or something that they might make a noise with if they bump into it, for gods sake do not injure them! You then need to have cat like reactions and simply jump off or away when you hear the early warning beacon go off.

Q: Daddy, what are my teddies doing out here?

A: They are such naughty teddies, they like to play out here at night and sometimes they keep me awake!

     4. Put some of their medals/jangly crap on their door handles

This one works a bit like the last one with the exception that it is always on the door and not at all a new thing to them.  Genius!

and lastly:

5. Buy your wife or husband a ball gag.

A one off purchase that will repay you over the years.  Readily available off the internet and delivered in brown paper packaging, you can also get BPA free or Vegan ones now so everyone is catered for.  It will stifle the groans of pleasure and bring that little bit of filth to your weekly/monthly porking.


the end






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