How to accurately profile your kids friends and categories they fall under.

When you have kids it is safe to say that most parents don’t think about who their little bundle of DNA and genetic code is going to be friends with, in fact I think it is fair to say that just about any kid in a similar age group is fair game and in my eyes even more so if the mum is a bit milfy.

It wasn’t until my eldest started pre school that I started thinking “that kid over there is a bit of a knob, best steer away from that one”.  At first I felt a bit ashamed of myself for having these thoughts, I mean after all they are just little kids and not capable of twattish behaviour right??

WRONG, it’s a hard but true fact that little kids, both male and female, can be pricks too.

I established this fact pretty early on into my thoughts about being ashamed when I was issued a death threat by a 3 year old in the playground, I just walked past him innocently enough when he came up to me, punched me in the leg and said “I’m going to kill you, I don’t like your hat”.  Now I am a reasonable man most of the time but getting threats to kill from a preschooler was a new experience for me and i quickly had to remember that it is slightly frowned upon by society to push children over.  This got me thinking, would I like this scroat bag of a child to be friends with my kid? Furthermore what would I like his friends to be like?  Theres only really one way to sort this out….

Character profile them, so here we go.

1.The future psychopath

This kid is one of the easiest to spot, normally identified by the fact they are normally seen pulling all but 2 legs off a spider.  Why all but 2 legs? Because they want to see it suffer, they want to see it struggle because they are a little psycho bastard.  Avoid this kid at all costs, they will inevitably turn into a full taxpayer funded member of the prison system at some point.

2. The manipulator

Now you have to have your wits about you with this one.  All kids can manipulate, they are bloody experts at it and if you don’t think that your child can be manipulative then the chances are they have manipulated you, you gullible fool! Kids who fall into this category tend to be able to fool you (the gullible fool) into thinking that they are an angel when really they are getting your kids to flood the preschool toilets or poo tash people whilst they stand looking all doe eyed and innocent.  This kid can be a friend as long as you manage them on behalf of their parents, sly words in there ear such as “I know what you are doing you little turd” will work wonders, as soon as they know you are onto them the manipulation will cease.

3. The hyperactive one.

This one is easy to identify just look out for the following:

  • A kid that is charging around at greyhound pace.
  • A mother screaming “get down chesney, come back here”.
  • A Mother constantly mentioning “he’s got ADHD, it ain’t my fault”
  • The childs diet will mainly consist of energy drinks, freddos and hoops.

This child will quickly drag any child he meets into his dastardly plans and before you know it your cherub is telling you to “jog on” whilst taking their lunch time meals on the naughty table.

4. The quiet one.

What a dark horse this one is. Are they really nice? Are they hiding something? Or are they secretly being manipulative by being quiet and looking innocent? So many unknowns but rest assured that as soon as they get to about 4-5 they will sure as hell be showing their true colours.  There were two quiet kids at my sons pre school, one remained quiet the other turned out to be a manipulative little shit. Moral of the story? You never quite know with this one! good luck.

5. The cool kid.

My second boy falls into this category.  He is the epitome of cool without even trying and is easily identifiable by the fact that he genuinely doesn’t give a shit about what he looks like or who he is playing with.  Normally found with a hat and sunglasses (he will wear a sun hat and glasses in the middle of winter) eating copious amounts of fruit and turning the eye of all the little girls in the playground.  A real life Fonze.

6. The nerdy one.

Now I have to confess that I am a little bit emotionally tied to this one as this is my eldest son and was also me. Never the coolest kid around, never the psychopath and never the manipulator.  Always to be found with a science book, lego or something that will equally challenge their brain cells.  Never a fan of parties and hates being the centre of attention, can always be found on the fringes of friendship groups but I don’t mind saying they turn out to be bloody nice people and if you ever need to know how to turn your piss into water whilst stuck in the desert, I’m your man!

Now I could go on and really get into the profiling of every single child but I won’t, because it’s my blog and I’m not  answerable to nobody! What I want you to do is to think about your kids friendship group, after all you don’t want a psychopathic manipulator sat at your table one day eating your fish fingers do you?

The end

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