Food Warfare – It's not a battle, it's a war!

I am about to take you through a journey that involves strategic planning, treachery, battles and psychological torture.  That’s right people, I am talking food and kids which is a subject that most parents can identify with.

We are constantly told to feed our kids a healthy balanced diet with at least 5 different portions of fruit and vegetables each day.  Now I agree with a healthy diet and can see the obvious health values from a well balanced diet, the problem is my kids cannot and no matter how much a couple of 5-a day cartoons run around telling them, it still won’t happen.  On a little side note why is the governments attempt at telling us about a healthy diet so condescending? Those little cartoons are quite frankly shit, there is no real artistic flair or thought gone into them.  My thought process on this is to have the scariest animated monster there is popping up on screen shouting “eat your carrots or I will come and steal your eyes you ignorant little shite bag”.  Anyway, now we have established why I don’t have a job in marketing lets get back on track.

Mealtimes in our house used to be carnage.  People would shout, food would go uneaten, bedtimes would come early (like 2pm) and there would be tears (normally mine).  One day I had enough and thought “if I am ever going to re-establish my hair growth we need to sort this shit out”.  Now I am honest and some would say too honest at times, so I was telling my kids what I was putting in front of them which would cause them to instantly put on a cloak of defiance and tell me to “jog on mate”.  Then I had a thought, a moment of genius so great it makes Einstein look like a 12 year old….

Adults know when you are lying to them, kids don’t. You can tell them anything and they will believe you.

Why hadn’t I thought of this before? This was a game changer so I did what any self respecting person with this information would do, I embarked on a sustained, strategic campaign of food warfare.  Carrots became special orange sweets from the planet nose picker, peas became super sweet peas and Kale became super strength giving alien weed which had been mined by mole rats on the planet turd.

I didn’t just stop at giving vegetables special names either, I started making whole meals up based on whatever subject the kids were in to at the time.  Lamb kebabs, Quinoa and salad became the meal of Roman Legions and as my son believed, was what made them so strong and agile.  Rice and chicken became the meal of a Chinese emperor with me having travelled back in time to get the recipe first hand (the fact that the Chinese didn’t start eating chickens till 1700 wasn’t an issue!) And then I introduced the next phase of my plan, a phase based on a hugely modern technological advance….

A timer.

That’s right, I introduced a wind up timer and instantly watched my second boy lose his shit under the pressure of eating his food within 30 minutes. The timer was a turning point in the war as me being the bastard that I am, realised that teaming it with the threat of bedtime quickly made my kids eat whatever was put on their plates. Sometimes I didn’t even put the timer on and just made out like I had whilst all the time laughing like a madman in the kitchen.

After a while this started to wear a bit thin with the kids and they started to call my bluff, before I knew it they were brazenly defying me as they knew I am not quite the disciplinarian I make myself out to be (especially when they go all doey eyed and cuddle me).  I needed something to change the game and quick so I unashamedly jumped on a bandwagon and bought…..

A juicer (insert gasps of excitement at the twist in the plot here).

Nothing excites a child or a grown man more than a gadget that makes huge amounts of noice and chomps stuff up, apart from maybe robot wars.  The juicer was a god damn dream and a huge amount of success, apart from my over riding fear that I or they may lose a digit whilst feeding the thing.  Beetroot, Kale, Celery it all went in there and before I knew it my kids were necking 8 different kinds of juice whilst high fiving each other….however:

One thing they never tell you about giving your kids shit loads of fruit/veg etc is the effect that it has on your kids bowels.  Buy quilted, thats my advice.

The End.






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