An old lady once told me that the skills you learn as a child contribute to the person you end up growing to be e.g. you learn to be a thief when you’re a kid, you will probably grow up to be a thief etc etc. Now I can already hear the left wing element of my blog readers crowing on about social stereotyping etc, but this old lady is actually my mum and I am not going to disagree with her. She may be chasing down the years but she still has a wicked right hook, and as it has been a few years since she dapped me one, I feel like I am long overdue so don’t want to provoke her. So, my mum is right, you are not….Moving on.
I think we have already established that I have a somewhat skewed approach to the world and look at things in a slightly different way to most (I am not rain man by the way), so I set about establishing some alternative key life skills for my kids to learn at various stages in their life. I know that the education system will do an okay job of teaching my kids the rules of education and subjects like maths etc, however it won’t teach them how to monkey scrub, or sack tap or headlock…that falls to me, and oh how I have been enjoying it.
Eyes front and centre please, your lesson is about to begin. So in no particular order:
If you can master sarcasm your world is your oyster. You can have a field day teaching your kids this as they can get away with it due to their cuteness and people will just coo over them. Secretly though your plan is starting to work and by the age of 6 you will have someone with perfect comedy sarcasm timings or at least be on the way to getting one. I am not going to give tips on how to be sarcastic, you can master that yourself can’t you?
2. How to become a lad
Again, lefties I am not being sexist I just so happen to be a man who was once a lad. I can’t teach them how to be a lady now can I?! When I say become a lad I am referring to being in a group of boys and how to act, I am not teaching them how to get smashed and shit themselves in a wetherspoons (a British bar for my American readers, thats right I am worldwide people).
A group of lads together is basically a group of chimps. You have to be able to stand your own ground so teaching your kids how to sack tap (a quick tap in the balls as you walk by, not enough to make them infertile but certainly enough to make them get a bit of belly ache), how to monkey scrub (running your knuckles quickly over someone else hair till it burns or creates a bald patch), how to headlock (essential if you want maximum burnage on the monkey scrub) and how to toe heel tap causing a comedy stumble. Now I am going one step further as I know that the person who holds this key will become the alpha:
As a lad you must find out your fellow lads fears. Once you have done this you can start to exploit them. I once had a school friend who was scared to death of moths, cue me catching moths in my hands and letting them go when I was near him. Hilarious, slightly cruel, but always ended up with a laugh afterwards. Now I must add you must tell your kid that they have to expect some back in return otherwise it is just bullying, which seamlessly brings me onto my next one.
3. Don’t be a bully or a sexist, those guys are dicks.
Looking at me now you wouldn’t believe I was bullied as a child, but I was and it was the most unhappiest time of my young life. I managed to “eradicate” my bully by kicking a basketball in his face and knocking him out, he thought it was on purpose but actually it was purely by accident. I have raised my kids to be the opposite of bullies, I want and encourage them to stand up against a bully even if they are bullying someone else but to never volunteer me for a dad on dad fight, I am far to pretty for that.
I have also raised my kids on the fact that the only difference between boys and girls are that girls have boobies and a front bum and that is it. I have always hammered home that we are all equal and that you treat everyone with respect, if they want to wear pink then go for it, if they want to grow their hair long then tough shit, I have to draw a line somewhere. This is demonstrated by my youngest boy’s favourite colour which is pink and his favourite toy which is a pink girl owl (I don’t know how he managed to “sex” his owl but he did) imaginatively called Pinky.
4. How to wipe your arse and have good toilet etiquette.
This one is definitely a “long burn” and not for the faint hearted. It takes years to teach your kids how to wipe their own backside, mainly due to their tiny arms, hands and poor motor skills. However it is a life skill that they need as I do not want to receive a call when I am in my later years to wipe their arses after they have been out on the beers. It may seem like a simple skill but I still know people to this day who leave a brown directional arrow in their pants and they are older than me. Toilet etiquette is also important and shows how clean you are as a person. Piss on the toilet seat = wipe it off, Left a skid mark the length of a foot long ruler in the pan = Cleaning it off you dirty dirty individual. However it is also important to note that any huge poo’s that they do drop definitely deserve a high five and fist bump.
5. How to barbecue.
My 6 year old knows how to bbq although I must stress that I talk him through it rather than let him do it on his own. When I am out on the grill he is by my side, taking it all in and he is even starting to offer up his own culinary tips in between doing beer runs. Now this skill is hugely important as it will ensure that they are able to cook, my thought process is that if you can cook good food on a bbq then you can cook on a standard oven. This will also mean that they grow up to throw awesome parties in the summer where I will be able to attend and perv over the younger ladies.
6. Alcohol isn’t cool
My title is actually quite misleading here because actually if we are being honest, alcohol is cool, It absolutely rocks and is always there to be your friend. However I don’t want my kids to think that. In our house alcohol is referred to as “wobbly juice” because it will make you wobble a bit. Growing up, wobbly juice was always around me and i was lucky enough to have parents who exposed me to the better side of it, as a consequence I grew up knowing that it wasn’t cool to get smashed every night and knowing that I had a tipping point. Friends that didn’t have this experience grew up getting hooped every weekend whilst trying to finger anything with a pulse. I saw those trampy ladies that my mates were trying to pull and I definitely don’t want my kids having to experience that level of swamp donkey.
Writing this I realise that actually there are loads of other life skills I have taught or am teaching my kids, so many in fact that I would turn this blog into a novel if I wrote them all. So I am saving them up for another day and now entitling this blog – Part 1. If you never see Part 2 it’s probably because I have a book deal.