Getting old sucks ass.

This next blog is inspired by my incredible dislike of getting old. I am not a vain person so my dislike of getting old doesn’t stem from my grey beard or from the fact that my follicles have given up growing from my ears upwards.  My dislike stems from lots of little things that when added together really make a difference.

When I was a teenager I viewed 30 as turning point in life.  When you are a teenager or in your twenties then it’s okay to lead a certain lifestyle, it is okay to cock things up and it is okay to be a bit of a twat.  People will say “well they are only in their twenties, they will learn”, and that learning point comes when you turn 30.  Society expects you to have put your crayons away, got a proper job and turned into a civilised member of society with responsibilities.  So turning 30 played on my mind.

When I met my wife it was fair to say that I was a bit wild when it came to life.  I would think nothing of week long alcohol fuelled escapades or disappearing off abroad for a few days without telling anyone where I was going.  I had no financial responsibility other than rent and food. Sometimes I would finish a nightshift where I was working and not surface for 48 hours, yep I used to sleep 2 days pretty much straight through.  My work at the time was a mixture of lads culture and an incredible amount of adrenaline, a pretty unstable mix.  Exciting as this lifestyle was I was actually yearning to settle down.  I met my wife and whilst we had a few wild adventures she was the stabilising element in my life that I required.

Now when I turned 30 I had actually settled down and had a child, but it wasn’t until the run up to my birthday that I realised that this had happened and I was distraught.  Not with life as that was pretty good but more the fact that time had gone so quickly and I was now the “old man” that I thought about as a young teenager.  Since turning 30 and certainly in the last few years I have noticed a fair few more negative points about getting older, some may be more a reflection of my fitness levels but for the purposes of self denial I am putting them down to getting that bit older.

  1. You make involuntary sounds when you bend down to pick things up of the floor. Mine is normally a “yyuuurrrggghhh” or sometimes a sneaky fart.
  2. Your pubic hair (should you have any) will start to turn grey.
  3. A present of a pair of slippers is received with genuine excitement.
  4. Events that happened in 2001 are now taught as “History”.
  5. You learn that they no longer make findus crispy pancakes.
  6. Sex is planned and no longer spontaneous, you need to build up to it.
  7. You have found one hairstyle that you like and are now sticking to it.
  8. You find yourself looking at a new car thinking “that looks like it’s a bit low for me to get into” followed by “The tax is too high on that one”.
  9. You find yourself looking at comfy shoes dreaming of how practical they will be.
  10. You finally start to see the effects that drinking neat spirits on a park bench in your teens had on your kidneys and liver.
  11. You have to get up most nights for a wee.
  12. You are pleased and excited when you see how low your insurance premiums now are.
  13. When you choose your new underwear it is now on comfort rather than looks.
  14. You seem to develop rapid new hair growth on places such as your nose, ears etc.
  15. You get genuinely enthusiastic about a new tupperware lunch pot.
  16. You sneeze and bless yourself.
  17. Anything past 10pm is a late night.
  18. Anything past 12am and you are tearing it up.
  19. Your kids don’t know who Sash or the Vengaboys are.
  20. Hangovers are a 3 day event.
  21. Without warning your favourite drink will turn on you and turn your arse to gravy.

All of these things added together make me hate getting old. Sure, there are benefits too such as wisdom and hindsight but they pale into insignificance when you remember how you used to be able to go and smash it up till 3am in the morning and be in work for 7am, and on that note I am off to go and see if I can add to my tupperware collection.

The end.

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