I used to be a fearless person, literally nothing phased me at all apart from sponges which will actually make me shake with fear and run the opposite way. I am shuddering just thinking about the thought of a washing up sponge and that horrible feeling when you touch it.
All of this changed when I became a father when all of a sudden I started experiencing irrational fears that my kids would hurt themselves or be hurt by things outside of their or my control. These fears also extend to my own health. I’m not talking about the obvious things that you need to be aware of like people with bad intentions or illness, no, I am talking about stupid things that you would never in a month of Sundays think could happen.
1.The wheel falling off the car.
It sounds stupid but I have a genuine fear that front drivers side wheel will fall off the car whilst I am driving with the kids and that I will end up careering into a mysterious large object. I have no idea why, I have never been in a car where the wheel has fallen off and unless someone removes all 5 bolts on my wheels I know the chances of it happening are the same as me getting into bed with the Queen. Every time I get in the car I sneak a look at the wheel just to check.
2. A plane will crash on our house.
There is some rational to this as I live near a busy regional airport and am on the takeoff flight path for all Spanish holidays. Randomly though I have no fear of the local police helicopter falling on my house which “lives” near my house. I have never been in a plane crash nor seen one but for some reason every time I hear a plane take off a little bit of me wants to grab the kids, jump under the table and read a passage from the bible (other good books are available, i am not even religious!).
3. There will be a zombie apocalypse.
Hugely irrational and in fact I don’t even believe that this is scientifically or medically possible. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a “prepper” nor have I built a huge bunker in my garden, however I have read a book on how to kill a zombie and more importantly I have an escape plan ready. I have had a few sleepless nights thinking about this one.
4. My family will have an accident and forget who i am.
I have no idea what the chances are of all 3 of my kids and my wife completely forgetting who I am, never the less it still plays on my mind sometimes. I have no way of combating this should it happen and again no idea as to why it makes me worry so much. I am constantly aware of where the photo albums are and also what the passwords for my cloud storage are. They are not getting rid of me that easily.
5.Someone will swap all the food in our house for poison.
Now reading this one I am thinking that I may need to get help, however I can’t help but be paranoid that some obese mad man, balding on top with long curly hair on the sides, will sneak in my house one night and swap all of my food for products that look the same but are deadly. I have no idea why I think this, but it does make me check the tin lids very carefully.
6. I will die by way of a gardening accident.
Various ways include chainsaw (which i don’t even own), slipping on a rake, blood loss from losing my hand in my flymo. Electrocution from cutting over the electric cable with my mower. Electrocution from cutting the grass in the rain and falling off a ladder whilst washing my windows (I don’t own ladders, i have a window cleaner). Why? I have no idea at all but every time I do my gardening, I check the weather and the location of the rake.
7. Death by hot air balloon.
I have never been ballooning and the thought of silently soaring through the sky at dawn does appeal, however this is quickly cancelled out by the thought of falling silently but quickly out of a basket at 500 feet. Nobody pushes me, for some reason my brain just thinks I will fall out without any assistance. Absolute madness.
To summarise, I have no idea where these irrational fears came from but I have concluded that they are linked to the arrival of my kids. I suppose it could be linked to wanting to keep my brood safe in this mad crazy world and also to my own self preservation and my desire to be in my kids lives for a long time.
I cannot do anything to combat my irrational fears but I can about sponges, which is why they are banned from my house forever. Shit will go down real quick if you’re a sponge packing zombie and come knocking on my door!