For my day job I work in a role that is corporate and structured, where the sole aim of me turning up to work each day is to make my company and it’s shareholders some decent money. It is a job where everything I do is up for scrutiny, especially if it goes wrong. One morning this week I was laid in bed before I needed to get up, the kids were either side of me and were watching Postman Pat, I told my kids it was time to get up when No2 said to me “just wait dad, I want to see Pat mess this one up again”.
So, after a thinking time poo I came up with the idea of conducting a corporate review on Pat and his TV cronies to see if their actions would legitimately be accepted in the real world of work. Part one is a review of the individual below:
- Postman Pat and Jess the cat.
Here is Pat. Pat is by far and away the worst employee you could think of and I am going to draw on some of his “pitfalls”. Now I will gloss over the fact that Pat is Ginger, in fact he is the only ginger adult in the village. However most of the kids have ginger hair so I propose that Pat is a dirty dicker who has single handedly populated most of Greendale and the surrounding villages.
First of all I will look at the fact that he takes his work van home and as he hasn’t got a car of his own that we know about, I am guessing that Pat takes his long suffering wife Sarah shopping in it on a weekend. This will undoubtedly mean that the good old Royal Mails vehicle insurance is void as they will only support working use (buying Sarah’s love eggs is not work use Pat) and I doubt that he has declared usage to the tax man, that’s right Pat the Post Man is dodging tax. I also bet he uses the company fuel too.
Secondly, Pat has an obvious disregard for profit and bottom line operating costs. This week he delivered a pair of parrots toenail clippers using his helicopter! A helicopter for a £3 pair of Amazon nail clippers. Furthermore Pat has a boat, not just any boat either oh no it is more like a bloody yacht! Below are the vehicles that Pat utilises to deliver his parcels, sorry scrap that, Parcel as he never delivers more than one!
- A boat
- A little van (that the robbing bastard uses for personal use).
- A helicopter
- A big powered van
- An off road 4X4
- A quad bike
- A motorbike and Sidecar
- A jet – yes thats right a jet
Now you will notice that two things are missing off this list and they are the two things that all posties use normally, his feet and a bicycle. But Pat is far too good for that, I mean he now has a special badge saying that he his good at delivering parcels. I am surprised that the Royal Mail in Greendale and Pencaster are still operating with the amount of money this man wastes in delivering single products who’s profit margins are held in volume delivery.
Look at smug git. It’s not even a standard helicopter, it’s one that been specially made to accommodate a cat!
Thirdly is Pat’s blatant disregard for the law. PC Selby has tried to impound Pat’s van and deliveries countless times and each time Pat simply fucks him off with a simple “that’s my delivery Arthur”. Now you could argue that Arthur needs to grow a pair and stand his ground with Pat, I would like nothing more than to see him bundle the lanky prick and then cuff him up. But no, Arthur rolls over like a cheap whore and in doing so gives out a clear message to children that you don’t have to respect the law if you are a postman.
Fourth is the fact that Pat is obviouly being carried by his cat Jess. This cat makes Pat look like the unintelligent wage stealing individual that he is. This cat once helped Pat land a helicopter in high winds and yesterday I saw him directing Pat on the boat by means of Meaow’s! I cannot see what Jess gets out of this situation as Pat simply refuses to acknowledge that the cat basically saves everyday. Jess should be pissing in Pat’s tea every morning and shitting in shoes as way of a protest.
Fifth point is that Pat ridicules everyone and shows himself up to be an arrogant sexist. He makes his wife Sarah put his lunch together every morning and as it only ever shows him getting ready, I am assuming that she does this after she has got that little know it all son of theirs dressed. Pat blatantly takes the piss out of Ted Glenn’s technical knowledge and helpful nature, yesterday I saw him getting Ted to fuel his van and then he drove off without paying! I have lost count the number of times that Pat has robbed a piece of transport from the local farmer, Alf or polluted his river with his deliveries or even worse, left the gates to the field open resulting in Alf losing his livestock. And lastly is the contempt that Pat treats Amy the Vet. Last week I saw him offer advice to her on how to get a horse back in its field. I mean come on Pat, what’s that about? The woman has trained for 7 years to be a vet and you come along saying “have you tried an apple?”. It’s because she is a female isn’t it Pat? Or is it because you feel you are an expert in all trades?
To emphasise my point, below is a picture of Alf being made to rear guard scuttle Pat. Alf is clearly trying to pull away but Pat has put his own head in a hole to make it more difficult.
And last of all the most important point….
Pat has NEVER delivered a parcel WITHOUT there being a drama and/or associated costs involved. 6 years I have been watching this and every episode Pat cocks it up. A simple delivery of 100 rubber ducks worth 20p per unit turns into a logistical operation that involves helicopters and quad bikes or a simple delivery of a pumpkin turns into a delivery that runs into £Thousands and ends up in the humiliation of Ted Glenn as Pat steals his glory.
Pat is the only person I know that under his current contract gets rewarded for delivering a parcel on time no matter what expense went into achieving this goal. At the current Royal Mail average delivery cost of £13 before noon for a shoebox sized parcel, I would estimate that Pat and his shoddy way of working result in an average yearly loss of £1.2 million.
Pat, get your coat and fuck off. You’re a liability.