Kids Parties

I’m going to throw this out there…….I hate taking my kids to other kids birthday parties. I hate it so much that I can count on 2 fingers how many I have taken my kids too over the years. I shudder when i see the little white envelope in the book bag and even more when it turns out to be a kid my kids actually like.  So lets discuss the reasons behind my hatred:

I struggle to tolerate other peoples kids for very long.

Lets be honest, I struggle to tolerate my own when they are smacked off their tits on wotsits and sugar rings but at least I have developed and proven coping strategies for dealing with my kids.  Unfortunately society frowns upon me smacking other peoples kids so I end up with a hole in my tongue and an incredible urge to shout profanities at the little shits.

I struggle to tolerate other parents.

Nobody chooses who their kids are going to go to school with and worse they have no control over the parents of those kids.  There are very few parents of the kids my two boys go to school with that I speak with.  I wouldn’t seek these people out as my friends nor would I choose to tell them the state of my prostate (A+++ btw). These are a group of people thrown together by circumstance and I for one do not see that a reason to make false friendships. Put us together in some soft play area and I can see myself on the nightly news for inciting a riot. Lets get something straight though, I do like some of the parents, not many but some.

I hate noisy areas.

I have an issue with my ears, not the fact that they make me look like a two handled jug but lets just say my hearing isn’t the best.  Being in loud noisy places is hell on earth and makes it really hard for me to hear what is being said. I once found myself unknowingly agreeing to manning a stall at the school fete, needless to say that I soon fucked that off once I actually realised what had been said.

I’m not allowed to join in.

If I take my kids to a soft play area then you can bet your grannies pants that I am going to join in.  I like nothing more than throwing myself into a ball pool or diving headfirst down a big slide.  I love beating up my kids with some of the soft toys and normally end up as knackered as them at the end of it.  I can’t do that at other kids parties and instead have to stand there like a caged animal looking through the netting watching the little bastards have fun with out me.

I’m not allowed to eat the food.

Let’s put this into perspective here.  You invite my child to the party but I have to buy the present, I have to get them dressed for it, I have to wrap said present (which isn’t easy when you have fingers the shape and dexterity of a sausage), then I have to bring my child using my fuel and car and then I have to stand there for the 2 hours, yet I don’t get one sniff of the buffet?! Fuck off and pass me an egg sandwich Sheila or there will be bloodshed.

So there we have it, the reasons as to why I don’t like going to other kids parties. Don’t get me wrong, my kids love them and I would never stop them going, nor would I ever stop my kids having one.  If you happen to be one of my kids school friends parents reading this then please don’t be offended by this post, after all you might be one of the few that I actually like?!

The End

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