Octonauts – A corporate review

Following on from my highly successful and original review of Postman pats antics (re-cap he’s a tax dodging, work shy serial cheater). I have the pleasure in putting my real world skills to the test once again by reviewing this group of cute but completely self indulgent bunch of individuals…The Octonauts.

First things first, who is funding this lot?  Which Private Equity Group or Investment fund decided to funnel some of their hard earned money to this lot? Whilst I don’t profess to be an expert on investments I know enough to figure out that giving what must be hundreds of millions to a polar bear, a penguin and a one eyed cat is commercial suicide.  I would love to hear the pitch by Captain Barnacles to the board of investors:

“So basically we want to get all of the latest marine tech and go all over the world saving animals in distress or who are just evolutionary stupid.  For no fee or monetary return….you in??”

And someone said yes! Furthermore they must have said:

“Whilst you’re at it ignore all those sunken treasure wrecks and valuable jewels, just make sure you get a bandage on that lobsters pincer”.

The crew:

It seems like no actual skill was needed to undertake this role, just as long as Captain Barnacles likes you, things will be fine.  I’m not sure Captain Barnacles is even a real captain.  He appears to have no formal qualifications or hold the rank from any recognisable military in the world.  He speaks with a broad northern English accent which in itself is puzzling for a polar bear. Surely he would be Canadian or American at the very least?  Last time I was in Yorkshire I distinctly remember seeing no polar bears.

On to the next and this is the most worrying for me, Kwazii.  Why would you let a pirate onto a ship/octopod call it what you will?  A Pirate!  Renowned for blood shed and being possibly the most untrustworthy group of individuals to ever roam the earth, and you let one on the ship.  Not only that but he is also a cat and cats are renowned for being killers of everything which is concerning considering that this cat is the same size as Captain Barnacle who is a polar bear. Oh did I mention that this Pirate Cat also has one eye? Well he does and he also blatantly disregards orders in his Cockney voice.

Peso , named after a form of currency this penguin is the weakest most scared penguin you have ever met, so they made him the medic.  Now I say medic but I really do doubt this penguins medical training as all I have seen him do is rub some ointment on a wound and wrap a bandage around whatever is hurting, although admittedly he does wrap it up incredibly quickly for a creature with no fingers.

The others:

Shellington: who is a Scottish speaking sea otter and also a scientist.  Sea Otters are lovely creatures but also known for eating their own body weight in fish.  I would question his scientific work as I think he eats most of his experiments.

Professor Inkling:  Apparently the founder of the whole charade, he is an octopus who is never in the water and can instead be found slobbing it out in the library.  I knew that octopus can be out of water for a little bit but not 3 years.

Tweak:  The only female of the group, Tweak is a rabbit and an engineer.  We know that Rabbits love being underwater don’t we?! No that’s right they don’t and even less so when they are in close confinements with a polar bear and a cat and their only defence is to shit themselves whenever they are under attack.

Dashi:  Here’s a dog who also happens to be a photographer.  I’ve seen his work, its shit so don’t book him for your wedding.

Tunip:  The ships cook, who is also half tuna fish and half turnip.  I have no idea how this works or what genetic strands had to be spliced together to create this monster.  It brings a whole new meaning to GM food.

The tech:

This bunch live in a state of the art underwater lab called an Octopod.  This thing is state of the art and can sustain life under the water for years, even in a hurricane.  The thing must have cost at least £70 million but appears to have no toilet facilities and is steered by a wheel.  I can’t help but think that Captain Barnacles put a receipt in for £100 million but got the manufacturer to stop short therefore pocketing the difference.

There are 12 vehicles that these lot zoom around in from your standard underwater tug boat to a super fast jet propelled submarine that invariably ends up trashed into a rock.  Furthermore this cat has a tally on the side of his favourite submarine, so who has he been hunting?!

In conclusion this lot live the high life and have a blatant disregard for running costs, maintenance and profits.  I get the whole “lets save sea creatures” but even Greenpeace turns a profit. I think the whole Octonauts set up is a blatant cover for illegal activities including drugs running, weapons trading and is probably linked to international terrorism, all operated by Captain Barnacles and that pirate cat Kwazii.  Explore, Rescue & Protect my arse.

The end

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