Everyone seems to bang on about Ikea’s meatballs and how they are the best meatballs in the world, I even know people who go to Ikea just to eat the god damn things. Well let me tell you, my meatballs aren’t just a little bit better than Ikea’s, they wipe the frigging floor with them. I was going to call these Swedish meatballs but after a little thought I realised there is nothing Swedish about my balls.
I’m finding myself on repeat a little bit here but if you don’t buy decent meat then these will taste bland. This recipe calls for both pork and beef Mince both of which are reasonably cheap however if you buy the pork from the supermarket you will probably find that the meat is quiet “wet” and ultimately a bit tasteless. The beef mince for this particular recipe was actually made by myself under the guidance of Alistair at The Butchers at Darts Farm, Topsham when myself and my youngest boy popped in to see just how you went about making mince. I genuinely thought it was full of the less desirable pieces of beef (the bollocks and stuff) but as it turns out, its made out of chuck steak and nothing more. Here is a picture of me with No2 trying not to laugh at me risking my fingers in the mincer. I could throw in loads of jokes about me and the butcher mincing around the back of his shop but I will resist at this point.
- 1Ib of Pork Mince
- 2Ib of Beef Mince
- 5 tablespoons of Bread Crumbs
- 500g of chopped Chestnut Mushrooms
- 1 x Beaten Egg
- 1 teaspoon of garlic powder
- 1 teaspoon of onion powder
- Salt & Pepper to taste
- 700ml of beef stock
- 3 Tablespoons of Plain Flour
- 3 Tablespoons of Butter
- Single Cream
Step 1 – Make your balls work for you
This is where the dish is made or lost. Cock this up and you may as well go and order yourself a takeaway you big tube. Wash your hands (nobody wants your human dust from your nether region in their food) and using the specified amounts above add:
- The Egg
- Garlic Powder
- Onion Powder
- Salt & Pepper to taste
Then get your hands in and mix it all up, you want to do this for a good few minutes and if you find the mixture too wet just add some more breadcrumbs, you can roll these into golf ball sized balls. I lay mine on greaseproof paper but because we bought shit greaseproof paper from Londis, I have to sprinkle flour over it to stop the meatballs sticking. I thought it was impossible to cock up making greaseproof paper however it turns out Londis managed it impeccably well. Anyway, rant over this is what the end result should look like:
Cook these for 10-15 minutes on a medium hob, make sure that you brush some oil in the pan to prevent sticking. Anyhow this is what it should look like. Once cooked take out of the pan and cover with foil – DON’T WASH THE PAN!
Step 2 – Get on the sauce
Well Gravy to be honest. Add some brandy to the bottom of the pan and then throw a flame on it. Stand back and watch the brandy burn off but be careful that you don’t set the house alight. Throw in a tablespoon of butter in the pan then the mushrooms:
Let it cook down and repeat the splash of brandy process, for christ’s sake please don’t let the blaze get out control. It’s supposed to be a tiny blaze not a threat to your life. Chuck in a tablespoon of butter and the flour, stir it till it goes all gloppy then add the beef stock and cream to taste. You may need to check the salt and pepper situation in your gravy about now and if it is lacking just chuck a bit of each in. Then add the meatballs back and cook for a further 10-15 minutes.
Serve with mash and if you wish, a little bit of crumbled blue cheese. Then get obese eating what can only be described as a gourmet meal found in any 3 star Michelin restaurant in the world…….I really should get a cook book out of this soon.
As a disclaimer this does involve brandy and a flame, you burn your eyebrows, fingers, genitals or your house down then that’s your fault dumbass.