Never one to play it safe I’m going to pull the pin on this social hand grenade of a statement and throw it out into the big wide world:
“It’s not easy being a bloke”
I can already hear the ladies in the room shouting “try birthing a bowling ball out your ass” or ” had a period have you fella?”. So lets put that to one side, as blokes we know we have that bit easy and we are eternally grateful for your birth carrying abilities and expanding vaginas. I’m on about stuff that a lot of woman are completely unaware of but as blokes they affect us, so here is just a few of them in no particular order:
Yes, balls feel smooth to touch and they do get all tingly & nice BUT they are precious little buggers. Sometimes they will just stick to the inside of your groin which causes real discomfort but also the embarrassment of having to try to readjust yourself without anyone seeing you or thinking that you’re having a tug. Sometimes just moving funny can result in you accidentally twisting a nut and the immediate feeling of stomach ache, pain and nausea and that’s before you have to untwist it. A tap to the balls will result in INSTANT pain that’s worse than a broken leg, trust me it is painful and for this reason “sack tapping” is banned in my house.
2. Getting an unexpected chubby on.
Most men have times when they get an unexpected enlarging of their appendage. A boner, A lob on, an unexpected item in the bagging area. Call it what you will we can’t always control what our old chap is doing down there and whether you’re at a shop, on the beach or at a funeral, the fear that your groin might start to noticeably bulge is real. Ladies, go and ask your fella’s if this is true and if they tell you it’s not then their telling you a porkie pie. Ever seen a bloke uncomfortably moving his hips with his hands in his pockets? yeah, he’s got a chubby on.
Yes I am bald but I am not completely hairless! Blokes have hair in the worse places possible. Ears, nose (both inside and on top), toes etc etc the list just goes on. Hairy arses in the summer are the worse, you’ve got to powder it and you sure as hell don’t want to get it sweaty! My eyebrow hair grows in metres some months but some men have it worse, they look like walking rugs and have to get their backs, shoulders and other bits regularly trimmed a bit like taking your dog to the groomers. You ever ridden a bike in the summer with a hairy arse? Not great ladies, not great.
Most of us are competitive, in fact sometimes we are stupidly competitive to the point where all rational thought takes over: “Think you’re getting your old wrinkly hands on that last bag of pasta of the shelf are you Brenda? Think again, I’ll smash your old bones to dust if you do” . We aren’t always proud of it and a lot of times we fight the urge for it but there are times we can’t help it. You stick me next to old Dorothy at the traffic lights in her automatic Micra and all of a sudden in my eyes she’s an F1 champion in waiting, I’ll show the old cow as I put all 170 horses to work to showcase my driving skills. Completely pointless, very embarrassing and a showcase of how stupid being competitive can be,
As soon as a number is shown in a date format that I need to remember, my brain goes to shit. It takes the information in to the point of “vague importance” and then goes “yeah couldn’t be arsed remembering why it was important so I just gave up”. This is why we rely on others to tell us of important birthdays and anniversaries. Pre-wife I forgot everyones, post wife I always seem to remember, mainly down to the fact she puts the cards down in front of me and won’t leave till i’ve signed them.
6. Putting up with drunk women
Women are hideous drunks and a bloody nightmare to deal with. Every emotion under the sun is shown. Some like to have a fight, some like to cry, some like to make a tramp a new best friend, some like to get their growler out and some like to do all of the above at once. When they get home some like to get a bit frisky whilst smelling of donner meat and booze, some vomit everywhere, some curl up and disappear into a deep sleep and some get randy as hell, oh and then there is my wife who likes to get brewers droop.
Now this list isn’t exhaustive but as you can see life isn’t always easy being a bloke, sure we can piss standing up and we get to shit twice a day instead of twice a week like some ladies, but let me tell you when it’s a hot sunny day and you’re riding a bike with your balls sitting uncomfortably on the seat and your gooch & arse rubbing & producing a small river of sweat that could sustain it’s own eco system, you’d give anything to have a vagina at that time.