Bridezilla

Bridezilla – The term given to a woman who is getting married and becomes so obsessed with the wedding and their image to the outside world that they turn into a first class……..(wait for it)………. Thundercunt.

I am an expert on this subject having been married twice, once to bridezilla and the marriage to my current wife who wasn’t a bridezilla and was sound as a pound about getting married, in fact I think she saw the organisation of the wedding, buying the dress etc a bit of a pain in the arse.  So what makes a bridezilla?  I can sum it up in one word:

Pretenion

Bridezilla is a pretenious woman who is only interested in what other people think of her and that those thoughts are positive.  Bridezilla thinks she is the first person to get married ever.  Bridezilla thinks the whole world wants to see her special day (we don’t, we think you’re a knob) and bridezilla will do everything in her power to make her wedding stand out.  In my own unique style I am here to prove otherwise:

  1. The dress.

I get that every woman wants to look like a princess and nobody wants to look back through their wedding photos and see this bag of shit staring back at them however the lengths some women go to when looking for a dress is ridiculous.  “lets have a full week out dress shopping, not forgetting to throw in a pretentious dress buying lunch and then the celebration meal when I’ve found it” .  Oh just turn it in will you?! Go to several shops, try several dresses on, buy one. Simple!  You might be looking for that unique dress that you haven’t seen anywhere else but guess what, no dress is unique.  They are pretty much all produced in sufficient numbers meaning the wedding dress company/designer get to make some money, this means that whatever wedding dress you choose is probably also being worn by some fat munter called Gert from Mansfield.

2. I must lose weight for the big day.

Again I get that nobody wants Greenpeace turning up at their wedding looking for a stranded whale, however there really isn’t a need to go through a huge weight loss program.  Your partner is marrying you because he likes you (in most cases) and is happy with how you look.  He isn’t marrying you for your ability to starve yourself supermodel style, besides you will more than likely put all that weight back on once your “honeymoon period” is over.

3. Guests.

Bridezilla wants to invite everybody and by fuck if her old neighbour from 3 years ago who she only spoke to 3 times doesn’t turn up, then there will be hell to pay! Don’t forget that vicious old great auntie who stinks of piss, if she isn’t invited we will never hear the end of it!  ooh ooh and don’t forget that bloke who delivers the post everyday, he needs to know and attend the event of the year.  Here’s a new idea, why not just invite people you like?  At my second wedding I employed this idea (my wife approved) and with the exception of 2 people one of whom was a plus 1, there was not one person at the wedding who I didn’t know or like.  If you are bridezilla reading this then i’ll let you into this secret, most people you barely know and most women’s partners, really couldn’t give 2 shits about your wedding.  My wife gets wedding invites and my instance response is “no” followed by “is it a free bar”.  If I like you, i’ll come along.

4. Food.

Throw a buffet. Job done. Stop the 15 course menu with diver caught lobster tails from the north ridge plateau shelf off the cornish coast.  Give me a buffet, i’ll pick what I like and leave the rest.  You’ve employed a top chef to cook?  Well good for you but I bet you a weeks wages it will be cold.

5. Venue.

First time I got married the reception was in a huge marquee at a really nice gothic hotel with the food cooked by a former head chef of the Ivy restaurant in London, second time I had the reception at the local village hall with the food cooked by our local pub (a cracking italian style buffet with a full roast pig) The price difference in the two? About £28,000.  Which one do I think was better?  the second one.  You see you can have your wedding at the most expensive hotel in the world but truth is your guests never truly relax and enjoy the party.  When you have it in a small place surrounded by people you know and like then that’s when you have a truly brilliant party.

There are so many other things I can go on about including bridesmaids, wedding favours and the obligatory owl delivering the rings and I may just save that for part two.  In the meantime if you are a birdezilla (doubtful that you will see yourself as one due to being too self involved) then think about what you are doing and more importantly what matters more when you get married? E.g. What a load of people who barely know you think of you or what your closest family think about your behaviour?  More importantly remember this fact:

The memory of your wedding will fade in most peoples memories quicker than it takes my wife to orgasm when drunk. I’ve been to lots of the  things in my time and the only ones I remember are the ones where a bloody good party was had by all OR where the bride made a dick of herself. Make it the former, not the latter.

The end.

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