Before you have kids you take certain things in your house for granted. For example, you know that were you to feel a bit peckish one evening you will probably have a packet of crisps you could go an easily pull out of the cupboard. You don’t think twice about it, you run out of them then you just buy some more when you go shopping. It’s not just food you take for granted, you also happily enter your living room knowing where the TV remote is located or you come home from work knowing that your slippers are where you left them.
About 18 months after kids you realise that nothing in your house is sacred and all out warfare is now taking place between you, your kids and your other half with everyman for themselves fighting it out with normal household and personal items becoming as precious as gold. Being the responsible conscious blogger, I’ve compiled some handy examples below to give you a head start in this battle.
1. Toilet Roll
One of the most basic but valuable commodities in the house post kids. I have lost count the number of times I’ve perched my peachy derriere on the throne and mid opening realised that the loo roll has about 2 turns worth of sheets left. My house is noisy as you would expect with three kids so shouting downstairs is a battle in itself. Sometimes I get heard, sometimes I have to crimp early and waddle out to the airing cupboard. It’s not only this though, it’s the fact that we get through on average about 5 rolls a week sometimes a lot more. I now buy my roll in bulk from amazon. I’ve told my kids loads of times to not use loads but it literally falls on deaf ears but then what do I expect when their mum uses handfuls just to wipe her lady parts?
I know these shouldn’t be a pawn in the battle of valuable items however in my house they are integral to stability and peace. I love slippers, I’ve got a real comfy pair of lamb’s wool lined slip on style. As soon as I’m in the door, my slipper dippers are on and I gracefully walk into the living room where my wearing of slippers promptly ends. I sit down and there they are, not my slippers but my youngest and eldest child. They eye me up waiting for me to raise my foot slightly in the air, as soon as I do their there like a tramp on chips. My slippers are off my feet in a flash and on to their feet, not that they fit but they think it’s great to flop around in them. Now this isn’t too much of an issue, oh no it’s the getting them back where war starts. I liken it to sticking your hand into a cage full of jack Russell dogs and trying to steal their food.
We never had mayo as a kid as it was too European (true story!) but when it entered my life around 12 years old I never thought I would be crying on the kitchen floor when I went to the fridge and found we had ran out. Fast forward 23 years and this is now the case thanks to my kid’s insane ability to get through a bottle a week. It initially started off as a way of getting them to eat their food but has now developed into an obsession that’s got worse since the 2 eldest learned to squeeze it out themselves. I’ve taken to keep a stash in the cupboard hidden behind the vegetables. Cue a shitty mood from any child that realises we’ve ran out. He who holds the mayo holds the dinner time power and peace
This one is down to only one of my children commonly referred to by the family as “caveman”. That’s right number 2, the 5-year-old who is as big as a 7 year old and as wide as one too who’s favourite thing in the world is an Apple. Now I am not discouraging the eating of such a healthy snack but this lads eating of fruit is obscene. He would happily sit in his pants all day eating fruit particularly apples which results in the mother of all battles when we run out. I’ve even stopped myself from taking the last apple from the fear of him going batshit on me, I’m 30 years older than him! His apple obsession is not a phase, it’s here to stay. Not just any apples either, oh no he has a particular taste for a pink lady. His apple obsession has also spread to one of our dogs who we call Bear (a regular feature on my Instagram page). Bear sits everyday patiently waiting for the apple core to come his way and getting in a proper pissy if it doesn’t. They say dogs have short memories but this scruff bag doesn’t when it comes to not getting an apple. (before any of you animal lovers start on about how dangerous apples can be to dogs I’ve checked it with the vet who went on the basis of he’s been eating them nearly every day since being a puppy and hasn’t died yet so carry on!)
5. Drinks Bottles.
A simple vessel designed to deliver hydration in the form of water. My boys have identical bottles but should one drink from the other, well let’s just say shit hits the fan. I also have a water bottle as does my wife, they are non-fancy plastic bottles but as soon as my kids lay eyes on them they turn into the holy grail. You may as well have trotted out a barrow full of gold bullion such is their desire to take a drink or even completely rob our bottles. I have had tugs of war, pitched battles and even a nerf gun war over the right to drink from my own bloody bottle! It’s a bottle, it’s the same water and in fact it’s even plainer than the one they have! Logic goes out the window and an almost carnal desire for water comes out to play. We also have a fancy water bottle that you put fruit in however we can only get it out when the kids aren’t about to avoid the confrontation which is pathetic as my wife and I have a combined age of 64.
6. Loose Change.
Don’t ever put loose change down in my house, ever. You may as well throw your shrapnel into the sea as you will never see it again. I know where it will be though, it will be located in a money box or the big glass money jar that’s located in my bedroom and used to wedge the door shut when my wife and I are at it. I recently emptied my boy’s money boxes to see how many old pound coins they had, which turned out to be about £50 worth, most of which was robbed off my bedside table or kitchen worktop. The obsession started out as me innocently encouraging them to save any money they were given, thinking I was being responsible and giving good advice, little did I know it would turn them into a bunch of Fagan style robbing little sods.
I never anticipated spending my life running a secret “moonshine” style operation for mayonnaise or apples but it seems to have gone that way!