I have previously managed to give a positive description of the playground groups of mums that I find at my kids school (Click here to read it) so to even out the playing field I’ve decided to do the same for the dad groups. Well I say groups but actually we don’t really tend to stand in more than a group of two and can be spotted scuffing our feet and looking everywhere to avoid eye contact. So lets drop group and go for categories instead.
1. The resident fuck knuckle
Every school has one as a pupil and invariably that pupil tends to turn into a life giver and become the a senior fuck knuckle. This person can be characterised by their cock of the walk strut around the playground and their “I eat bricks for breakfast” stare. Normally to be found with some form of ill conceived political belief dropping out of their mouth wearing white trainers, jeans and a donnay sweatshirt. They are pretty harmless and a quick chat will soon establish that they have the IQ of a tea spoon.
2. The resident divorcee
This guy is either the hero or the villain depending on who broke up with who and I’m pretty sure that you can find his former other half skulking around the playground with a pair of sharp scissors and a jar of his toe nail clippings. In my playground he is the hero…..amongst women. To us men, this chap is a full on snaky bastard who needs taking to one side for a good shoeing. Women think he is great though, he can charm the worms out the dog shit this one. Note that he never speaks to other blokes and always goes to group of women for a chat.
3. The cool one
He’s got long hair, he wears surfer shorts and flip flops even in the winter and he drives the fabled VW camper van. This man is the kid that never grew up but who did manage to breed in between surf board time and henna tattoos. Vocabulary is limited as is his range of conversation but my god he has a fantastic full head of hair. Part of me idolises him and part of me hates him and I can’t decide on who’s the winner.
4. The dreamer
This one has never fully settled on a career choice and how he earns his money is up for debate, but he always has an idea. He’s always got a “deal” on the go but normally the deal doesn’t involve his own money. One minute he’s buying a boat, the next minute an island and he was the one who missed out on investing in Apple as he thought they were a fruit supplier. Always happy to give his business opinion on everything as long as you look past the fact he has literally no demonstrable success.
5. The letch
Normally found hanging around any slutty or vulnerable women, the letch is a married man who is clearly very unhappy and only gets to put it in once every 3 months. The letch is identifiable from his dad dress sense and 90’s hairstyle and without his wife he operates like a dog with two dicks. However, when Mrs Letch is nearby Mr Letch simply hangs on her tail coats. I’m not saying he’s rapey but you wouldn’t leave him alone with your wife for too long.
As with all my writings there is always further to go and more categories to put in, but to be honest I am hoping for a book deal so don’t want to give all of my future works away. I probably won’t get one though as I lack the appealability that the mum blogger has. I lack the ability to take a post pregnancy picture of myself or the lack of shame to picture myself against a plain brick wall with some wanky half cocked smile. But if you are a publisher and want to give a fat bald man the chance to make a cock of himself, I’m listening….