Grub

I am an unashamedly huge foodie. I love food and the social scene that it can generate, be that from having big family roast dinners or having a small bbq for two.  My household operates around food and mealtimes and I have quickly learnt what recipes and meal ideas work.  This isn’t going to be about pretentious ingredients or complicated processes, it will just be simple, straightforward and as easy as possible.

 

Oreo cookie cupcakes

July 23, 2017

 

These little beauties are super easy to make and taste amazing, admittedly they look a bit gash but hey, beauty is in the eye of the beholder right? This recipe calls for a cheese cake style mixture so just keep that in mind when you’re cooking them.  A point to remember is don’t give these to your kids just before they are about to go to bed or church, they will undoubtedly make them whizz of their tits.

 

Makes: 12 big buggers

Takes: 20 mins prep and 30 mins cooking

Ingredients:

  • 18 Oreo Cookies or own brand equivalent.

  • 2 large eggs
  • 1/2 cup of sugar
  • 400g of soft cheese (cream cheese)
  • 1/2 cup of sour cream
  • 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract

Method

  • Get 12 cupcake paper cases out and stick them in a muffin type baking tray.
  • Stick one Oreo in the bottom of each case.
  • Using your fat fingers break up the remaining Oreo’s into small pieces.
  • Lob everything else into a mixing bowl and whisk together until smooth.
  • Chuck the rest of the crushed up Oreo’s into the mixing bowl and stir in

  • Pour the mixture equally into each cupcake case

  • Stick in the oven at 180C for approx 30 mins.  Stick a knife in and if it goes out clean then their done.

 

And that is it.  My kids did this so you should be able to without any issues unless you are completely bloody stupid in which case you need to get yourself down to Toys R us and buy yourself some non toxic wax crayons rather than attempting to use heat to make a cake.

 

The End

 

Reinventing breakfast

May 14, 2017

I hate breakfast and cannot eat in the morning unless I have been up at least an hour.  Everyone tells me that this is bad and I will probably die because of this (well not actually but they are so dramatic it is pretty much like it) but despite my best intentions and plans I cannot get on with brekkie.  I am afraid the feeling of nausea is just far to off putting so I have come to the conclusion that having made it through pretty much 35 years like this (apparently I was like this as a child) it’s a fight I’m not going to win.  In fact I hate mornings, there I’ve said it, mornings can suck my balls.

Earlier this year I realised that not eating breakfast makes me snack around 10-11am and as I spend a lot of time driving and away from home I tend to just eat whatever crap the motorway services are dishing up.  This was bad for my waistline and also my insides so I decided to try and come up with something that I could prepare the night before and then package up for snack time.  I researched it a bit and found something called a bircher, basically porridge oats and yoghurt.  Sounds yummy right? No, it sounds a bit gash so I decided to jazz it up a bit and now I take a pot of this to work with me nearly everyday, and my wife takes it too.  No more snacking and it fills me up till at least 3pm.

Serves 4.

Ingredients:

 

  • 100g Porridge oats
  • 350ml of milk (whatever type you drink)
  • 500 ml Plain natural yoghurt
  • dash of vanilla
  • teaspoon of honey
  • 1 X tablespoon of Chia seeds
  • 1 X tablespoon of Pumpkin seeds
  • dried fruit

Step 1:

The night before pour the milk,oats, vanilla, Chia seeds, Pumpkin seeds and honey into a jug and then mix up.  Put it in the fridge overnight covered in clingfilm.

Step 2:

The next morning get a normal cereal bowl. Add a tablespoon of dried fruit into the bowl, then fill the bowl half with yoghurt and half bircher mix. Mix it up well and spoon into a container.  On the top add a drizzle of honey, and cover the top with flax seeds.  I also add fresh fruit like strawberry or blueberry.

And that’s it! Dead easy, super tasty and you know its working as the flax seeds show themselves pretty quickly down the “other end”.  So next time you’re bitching about how you always feel hungry at work, go home and try this out.  This recipe makes 2 days worth for 2 people so adjust it accordingly if you need to, trust me, you cannot mess this up.

The end.

Crab Linguine

May 3, 2017

Let me set the scene:  It’s a weekday evening, you’ve just finished work and now you’ve got to battle the traffic to get to the childminders to collect your kids, then its home and you get in the front door and think….Bollocks, I forgot to get something out of the freezer for tea.  We’ve all been there so I decided to come up with something that I could quickly throw together with minimum effort and cost but also something that was tasty and here we have it, my crab linguine.

Now I know what you’re thinking, look at this posh twat with his crab, does he live in the real world?! Well yes i do and this recipe uses tinned crab, granted not as tasty but its cheaper and doesn’t require you to kill a crab yourself, no, the good people of Vietnam will do that for you and put into a handy tin.

Ingredients:

  • 2 x tins of crab meat.  (about £2 each from lidl/Aldi)
  • Dried Linguine OR spaghetti
  • Single Cream
  • 1 x onion
  • Parsley
  • Dried chilli flakes (optional)
  • Salt/pepper to taste

Step 1:

Put the pan of water on for the linguine, put some salt in there and a splash of oil. Dice the onion and open the tins of crab and drain. finely chop the parsely.

Step 2:

Once the water is boiling, tip in the required amount of linguine. Then put the onions in a pan with some olive oil and cook through until soft but NOT brown. Put the crab and half of the parsley into a bowl and mix up with a dash of olive oil, salt and pepper.

Step 3:

Drain the linguine and make sure you leave 2/3 tablespoons of the pasta water. Tip the linguine into the pan with the onions and add the crab mix along with 2 tablespoons of single cream and the pasta water.  Heat through for 3-4 minutes and then add a teaspoon of the chillies if you want.  Keep the linguine moving otherwise the cream will become gloppy and burn.  You are looking for the cream to coat not to be a heavy sauce.

Step 4:

Throw in the rest of the parsley and dish up.  The whole thing should take you 15 minutes tops and results in a banging dish that looks, smells and tastes amazing for less than a Mcdonalds.

 

So that’s it, top it off with a glass of white wine or a nice cider and forget about your existence for a while.  And there you all were thinking I was a one trick pony who could only turn out big meat based dishes, well I am really but I do have an interest in lighter dishes without meat so who knows maybe it’s the start of a new me?!  Doubt it,

The end.

Meatballs & Gravy

April 4, 2017

Everyone seems to bang on about Ikea’s meatballs and how they are the best meatballs in the world, I even know people who go to Ikea just to eat the god damn things.  Well let me tell you, my meatballs aren’t just a little bit better than Ikea’s, they wipe the frigging floor with them.  I was going to call these Swedish meatballs but after a little thought I realised there is nothing Swedish about my balls.

I’m finding myself on repeat a little bit here but if you don’t buy decent meat then these will taste bland.  This recipe calls for both pork and beef Mince both of which are reasonably cheap however if you buy the pork from the supermarket you will probably find that the meat is quiet “wet” and ultimately a bit tasteless.  The beef mince for this particular recipe was actually made by myself under the guidance of Alistair at The Butchers at Darts Farm, Topsham when myself and my youngest boy popped in to see just how you went about making mince.  I genuinely thought it was full of the less desirable pieces of beef (the bollocks and stuff) but as it turns out, its made out of chuck steak and nothing more. Here is a picture of me with No2 trying not to laugh at me risking my fingers in the mincer.  I could throw in loads of jokes about me and the butcher mincing around the back of his shop but I will resist at this point.

“Turns out I was wrong son, it’s not bollocks after all”

The ingredients:

  • 1Ib of Pork Mince
  • 2Ib of Beef Mince
  • 5 tablespoons of Bread Crumbs
  • 500g of chopped Chestnut Mushrooms
  • 1 x Beaten Egg
  • 1 teaspoon of garlic powder
  • 1 teaspoon of onion powder
  • Salt & Pepper to taste
  • 700ml of beef stock
  • 3 Tablespoons of Plain Flour
  • 3 Tablespoons of Butter
  • Single Cream
  • Brandy
god my worktop design looks shit

Step 1 – Make your balls work for you

This is where the dish is made or lost. Cock this up and you may as well go and order yourself a takeaway you big tube.  Wash your hands (nobody wants your human dust from your nether region in their food) and using the specified amounts above add:

  • Breadcrumbs
  • The Egg
  • Garlic Powder
  • Onion Powder
  • Salt & Pepper to taste

Then get your hands in and mix it all up, you want to do this for a good few minutes and if you find the mixture too wet just add some more breadcrumbs, you can roll these into golf ball sized balls.  I lay mine on greaseproof paper but because we bought shit greaseproof paper from Londis, I have to sprinkle flour over it to stop the meatballs sticking.  I thought it was impossible to cock up making greaseproof paper however it turns out Londis managed it impeccably well.  Anyway, rant over this is what the end result should look like:

 

Cook these for 10-15 minutes on a medium hob, make sure that you brush some oil in the pan to prevent sticking. Anyhow this is what it should look like. Once cooked take out of the pan and cover with foil – DON’T WASH THE PAN!

Wally is hiding somewhere in this picture, can you see him?

Step 2 – Get on the sauce

Well Gravy to be honest.  Add some brandy to the bottom of the pan and then throw a flame on it.  Stand back and watch the brandy burn off but be careful that you don’t set the house alight.  Throw in a tablespoon of butter in the pan then the mushrooms:

Let it cook down and repeat the splash of brandy process, for christ’s sake please don’t let the blaze get out control.  It’s supposed to be a tiny blaze not a threat to your life. Chuck in a tablespoon of butter and the flour, stir it till it goes all gloppy then add the beef stock and cream to taste.  You may need to check the salt and pepper situation in your gravy about now and if it is lacking just chuck a bit of each in.  Then add the meatballs back and cook for a further 10-15 minutes.

 

Serve with mash and if you wish, a little bit of crumbled blue cheese.  Then get obese eating what can only be described as a gourmet meal found in any 3 star Michelin restaurant in the world…….I really should get a cook book out of this soon.

As a disclaimer this does involve brandy and a flame, you burn your eyebrows, fingers, genitals or your house down then that’s your fault dumbass.

The end.

lamb souvlaki’s,flat breads & sides – serves 4

March 19, 2017

Souvlaki! is it Greek, is it Turkish or is it Cypriot? Who the hell knows? All I know is that these little lamb kebabs are the nuts.  Really easy to make, so easy that even my kids can make these so if you are one of those fools that bleats on about “I can’t cook anything, I always mess it up” in an effort to justify your poor diet, shut up and read on.  Who knows, taking up cooking with simple food like this might even get you out of your mum and dads house at the age of 34 and living in the “real world”, it may even lead to meeting a partner and finally having sex with a real person……May (please note that balddaddyblog does not proclaim to be the problem solver of issues such as middle aged virginism).

So, super easy but you can cock this up with one simple mistake, what is it I hear you say? It’s pretty simple, it’s the quality of the meat you choose to use which can really impact the flavour of your food.  I used to use lamb mince bought off the shelf at the supermarket but then tried some from my local butchers at darts farm.  The difference is night and day so spend a few quid extra and get some from your local butcher and you will be doing a good thing by supporting your local businesses.  If you happen to be in Devon, come and try Alastair, Phillip and the team at Darts Farm, Topsham, You can order online too! http://www.thebutchersatdartsfarm.co.uk

Ingredients for the kebabs

So simple:

  • 1Ib (1/2 Kg) of minced lamb.  Don’t go for one too lean.
  • Garlic – 2 cloves
  • Onion powder
  • Lemon (zest only)
  • Salt & Pepper to season
  • Fresh Parsley
  • Rosemary
  • Nutmeg

Kebab sticks.

Stage 1 – Work your meat well

Zest the lemon, chop the parsley, garlic and a good sprig of Rosemary. Add a teaspoon of onion salt, a teaspoon of sea salt and a good teaspoon of black pepper.  Grate half a nutmeg nut over the lamb and chuck in all the other ingredients.  Using your hands mix the bejesus out of this meat, you don’t want any pockets of salt, lemon etc as they will just make for unpleasant eating.  This should take about 10 minutes but I do it in 3 as I am impatient.

Stage 2 – Make your meat look pretty

Get your kebab sticks out, no need to soak in water as they won’t be in the pan long enough to burn your house down.  Now get a golf ball size piece of your meat mix and gently and tenderly thread it onto the shaft in a up and down motion, you want this all smooth together so that it stays in one piece whilst being cooked so make sure you work that shaft of meat reeeeeaaaallllll good.

Afterwards you should have a money shot that looks like this:

Stage 3 – Cook your meat and make your flatbread mix.

Big pan, brush of oil (to stop the meat sticking) and turn it on.  Put your kebabs in, you will probably have to cook in batches and then wrap in foil to keep warm. Approximately 10 minutes cooking time.

Then your flatbreads.  Really quick and super tasty, also pretty healthy too.

  • 250 grams of plain flour
  • 100 ml of warm water
  • pinch of sea salt
  • 2 tablespoons of olive oil

Toss it all in a bowl and mix using a wooden spoon or your hands if you want to get all caveman, mix the ingredients up to form a dough, you can add flour if it is too sticky, you cannot cock this up. Leave it for 5 minutes.

Stage 4 – Cook your bread

By this time there will be a small amount of lamb fat in your pan, don’t throw this away!  this stuff in small amounts is super tasty.  Get a clean frying pan, run a sprig of rosemary through the lamb fat and rub it onto the pan.  Split your dough into 4 and then roll out to the thickness of an iPad or about 4mm thick. Get your pan hot and put the flatbread in.  The top will start to rise and fall almost like it is breathing, but fear not it is bread and not a living creature. As soon as you see this up and down motion slowing down, flip it over.  about 90 seconds later it should be done.  Whilst it is cooking just brush the top with the oiled rosemary sprig.

Stage 5 – The side dishes

Lemon & garlic mayonnaise.

Get 5 tablespoons of mayonnaise, chuck in half a clove of chopped garlic and the juice of half a lemon, whisk it all together.

Salsa.

Chop up 12 small cherry tomatoes, dice one red onion, season with sea salt, a teaspoon of cider vinegar and half a teaspoon of sugar.  Mix together and adjust your seasoning as necessary.

Cous Cous

Follow the instructions on the packet, i’m not your mother.

Stage 6- Eat it roman style

Tear up your bread, get bits of everything, wrap it up and eat it with as much enthusiasm as a nun at prayer time.

And remember, if you find yourself having a choking fit then don’t even think about suing me.  Greed and gluttony are not legitimate reasons for litigation in any developed country!

The end